It’s been another unsuccessful month of hilarious vagina hijinks as Maria had her period around midnight on Saturday. Alas!
I had a feeling this month wasn’t going to be the one. We got our timing a bit mixed up as Maria was using a ovulation test as well as the calendar method. The calendar said she was supposed to peak about three days earlier than she actually did.
The problem is that ovulation tests are not nearly as accurate as pregnancy tests so they were coming over to pick up my patented Baby Gro™ before it was time. Of course, after the last batch, I had this peculiar urge to start having sex with my wife (we do that every now and then) so when Maria called and said she was ovulating a few days later, I had not been saving myself for her (so to speak).
In short, while there were swimmers in the final syringe, it wouldn’t have been as many as normal. Less swimmers = less likely to get pregnant = dangit!
It would have been a nice Christmas gift but we’ll just have to try again in a few weeks. Right around the holidays, I think. Ho! Ho! Ho!
It’s that time of the month again! Maria’s ovulating sometime today or tomorrow so I dropped of a fresh batch of fetus fertilizer last night. Is it still odd going over my friend’s house, masturbating into a specimen cup and preparing the syringe for them? No more odd than writing about it online the next day, I suppose. Humans are infinitely adaptable that way.
Still, it’s kind of enjoyable in a exhibitionist sort of way (gasp! Scandalous! No, they’re not in the room with me.) and it does make it more personal then doing it at home and just dropping it off at the door. There’s also the issue of how long the sperm stays viable outside of its natural environment. An hour or two, tops and all you have is a batch of foul smelling goop. Even if I threw my clothes on and raced out the door, it would still be 20 minutes or more until I got there, found parking, went up to their apartment and they would still have to get ready themselves, etc.
This way, they can be a little more leisurely about the whole thing. Fortunately, they don’t stand outside the door and giggle like schoolgirls, the walls in that place are paper thin!
So we’re not pregnant. Boo. Maria tested and came up negative on Wednesday but we didn’t know for sure until she got her period yesterday.
That was supposed to say “loving memories” but I was auto-corrected. Durn iPhone…
No worries, though. We’ll just try again in about two weeks. Of course, it would have made a better story to tell their child: “We found out you were coming on the eve of one of the greatest storms to ever hit New York.” Oh well!
In the meantime, I will have to have a pep talk with my spermatozoa:
Get your tail in motion you lazy little bastards! Find that egg and crack it! Get to work! Move it move it move it! If Bruce Willis can do it, so can you!
Maria is so cute! She’s practically bouncing for Thursday. Why? That’s the earliest she can test to see if she’s all knocked up. I get it, this is her second time trying and she really wants that baby. Maria had tried several years ago while Deb and I were dealing with our two miscarriages and before Jordan was conceived in July. She…neglected to mention that to me until sometime later; ostensibly to spare my feelings. Personally, I think she was afraid I would blow up on her. She’s such a whuss at times! Anyway, She and her partner at the time went to a doctor for pretty much the same procedure she’s doing now at home.
Fortunately, (for me and her) it didn’t take and she only got to try once. Her insurance ran out or wouldn’t cover more than one attempt. This isn’t a concern this time as I’m far more heavily invested in Maria getting pregnant than her insurance company was. There’s a slew of reasons why this is so but that’s a discussion for another time.
So that brings us back to Maria anxiously waiting for Thursday. I really do get it; Deb and I were just as berserk for our first time as well. This is my fifth pregnancy (two miscarriages, two successful and now this, in that order) so I’m definitely more “old hand”-ish about it. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed for Maria’s sake. She’ll be…less than thrilled with a negative or, worse, a false positive. She’s all emotional that way. Pfft! Chicks! I imagine Jenny is somewhat calmer. She’s not as excitable as Maria (who is?). Also, she’s, like, California laid back, dude. She brings balance to Maria’s life. Just one of the reasons we like her so much. She’s probably blushing as she reads this. Que lindo!
I’m not worried, though. Even if it didn’t take this time, we’ll just try again and again until it does. I waited seven years, I can wait a little longer and poor Maria is giving it her all. She spent an hour with her legs up in the air to make sure every drop of giggity goo had a chance to make that special journey. Not exactly comfortable!
I’m a cheap date but some chocolate and roses wouldn’t hurt! J/K!
Tonight is THE night! Well, the first one, anyway. There was a bit of fortuitous miscommunication; I thought Maria’s ovulation cycle was supposed to start on Friday. What she actually meant was that her peak ovulation was on Friday, meaning that her cycle would be starting tonight! The reason this was a happy mistake is that Debbie was on vacation and we couldn’t have any sex while she was home (I was saving myself, you see). BUT! If I had to make my deposit on Wednesday, then I had to break my celibacy earlier than anticipated. And that means one happy Mrs. Filthy Liberal Scum!!
So anyway! I’m heading over there tonight for an incredibly erotic evening of masturbating into a specimen cup. Don’t judge me! Some people are into that sort of thing! Then I go back Friday and again on Sunday and that will conclude this round of “whack in a cup!”
At least Maria and Jenny will be making a sexy evening of it, though. Maria is apparently allergic to pretty much every form of lube so the only way they’re getting the speculum in there is if she’s, Maria’s words, “naturally lubed.” She even has the song picked out! Bowchickabowwow!
I kind of like it better this way. It’s less clinical and the child will be conceived in an act of love. No, I will not be present. While Maria and I would probably enjoy that, Jenny’s not quite the freak that we are (Maria’s working on that!).
So this is it! We’re really doing this. At least I won’t have any performance anxiety despite the awkward nature of the evening. I don’t know about other people but the idea of impregnating a woman, even indirectly, is quite the aphrodisiac. When Debbie and I were trying we were like rabbits and that was hard since we could only have sex every other day when she was ovulating. Talk about self discipline!
So here’s the baby making kit Jenny and Maria ordered. One specimen cup, one catheter tube, one syringe and a speculum. Interesting…my spell checker does not recognize the word “speculum.” I find the idea that I have a better vocabulary than my spell checker to be very sad. Anyway! I was surprised by the inclusion of the speculum, although I probably shouldn’t have been. Gotta hold open Maria’s hooch with something to get the tube up there. The further the better, I suppose.
After I place a, ahem, specimen in the specimen cup, I’ll spare Jenny the ick of handling the, ahem, specimen and prep the syringe and tube for her. Few are the women that don’t find the texture and smell of semen to be off-putting and this will be awkward enough to begin with.
Unless she really feels the need to do that part herself. That’s all up to you, Jenny! I offered, so no complaining later!
In other baby daddy news, tonight we realized that Maria is almost every single thing the GOP hates: She’s A. a female B. a lesbian C. Hispanic D. an immigrant E. soon to be a single mom (Jenny’s going to make an honest woman out of her sometime in the near future) F. currently on food stamps (in between jobs) and G. lazy (not really, but they’ll assume it).
Chances are that she’ll have a white baby anyway (or so we joke) so that should mollify the jackasses.
It occurs to me that some people might find these posts uncomfortable since I’ll be discussing what some people consider “sensitive topics.” Those people should really get over it. The human body is universal: we all poop, pee and have sex. Leave the prudishness to the religious zealots.
Well, Maria finally got her period! She should be finishing today or tomorrow and THAT means we make our first run at it next Friday. Unfortunately for ME, that means no sex or masturbation after today. Of course, Debbie went to go visit a sick friend out in Long Island so she won’t even be here tonight! Boooooo!
Oh well, that’s what the internet is for!
So, the reason I have to go temporarily celibate is to build up some reserve. Contrary to what porn would have you believe, not every money shot is quite that large. The more regularly you have sex/masturbate, the less baby batter there is both in terms of quantity AND quality. So, to that end, I have to put Mr. Happy (I don’t really call my penis that) on ice until Wednesday night. I have to rub one out so there will be a fresh set of squirmies for Friday night. I know, who knew family planning actually required planning?
Maria and Jenny have their insemination set (no, we won’t be doing this the old fashioned way, more’s the pity) and I’ll be heading over there after Debbie gets home from work. Technically, you can say I have a hot date on Friday…with my hand and a sterile specimen cup. So romantic. They’re not even taking me to dinner and a movie first!
Meanwhile, Maria still gets to have allllll the sex she wants. That bitch…
So we’re waiting for Maria to have her period so we can calculate her ovulation date. Of course, now that she WANTS her period, she ain’t getting it! I’ve adapted the old maxim of “A watched pot never boils” to the above title as we all wait impatiently for Maria’s uterus to get its act together. Hurry up! I’ve got an itchy…wanking hand? Never mind. Moving on!
While we wait, let’s watch a singing uterus!
In other news, I’ve informed my father of his impending grand-daddiness and he was perfectly fine with it. One parent down, 4 to go and the others won’t be as easy…
So about a month ago, my friend Maria asked me (again) to be the baby daddy for her and her partner, Jenny. There’s a whole story behind this that I have written elsewhere but the general gist of it is that her original request, made in 2005, is what lead to Debbie and me to getting married and having our two kids. Life got in the way and we abandoned the donor thing. Until now, that is.
I said yes and Mrs. Filthy Liberal Scum agreed so we’re on the road to pregnancy! Maria should be ovulating later this week. I’ll, ahem, “deposit” some baby batter in an appropriate receptacle and Jenny and Maria will use a turkey baster.
OK, it won’t actually be a turkey baster. Probably.
Obviously this is a fairly life altering thing even if I’m “just” the donor. I’ll be chronicling (hence the title) the ups and downs and pitfalls of helping two women who are not my wife have my children. I’ve been joking that, since I’m going to have four children with three women, not only am I, at long last, a real Puerto Rican but I’m my own Maury Povich Show!
I’ll be discussing my reasons for doing this, how it affects the various relationships among the four of us, how my family reacts (probably positive), how Mrs. FLS’ family reacts (probably not so positive) and so on. Keep your fingers crossed!